I've Moved.

I have moved to http://rachaeljoan.blogspot.sg where I chronicle my thoughts and mainly about my two children.

My Sad Truth

Unfortunately, I feel that the only person one can rely on is oneself.
God is not a person. The Universe is not a person.
You can rely on God & The Universe, and yourself, and that's about all.

Of course I am writing this feeling down. I write down stuff when down and I don't pretend that it is sunny when it is not. It is safer to say that I shall never want to have hope in any Mankind so that I will never experience another piercing sting to my heart. But being alive, I may forget this and then start to love or trust again. This is foolishness and I am foolhardy, I can't deny that. I have famously said that if it doesn't hurt, it ain't love. And that, again is yet another ironic view. Love hurts. Do you want it or want it not?

In the middle of the night

Fumbling with the keyboard on iPad can be frustrating, especially when I can't find the underscore key and tab. No tab, how to enter from title bar to text box? Well, this is learning and using my dinosaur brain to adapt.

Life has been great. We're having another baby sometime in October. 3rd the doctor said. But I think it might be earlier.

Finding Solace

I tried reaching Adeline but found yet another end. End, not dead end.
Adeline has been a dearest friend and I don't know how we became like this.
She is just one person who will never think any wrong of me and no one shares our oddness as much as the two of us.

The past two months was a tough period for me. It was dark and, was very dark.

I don't find myself telling anyone about my troubles most of the time. In fact, the more serious the problem, the more I won't talk. Maybe it is because most of the time, I am the pillar for my friends and I help them gain positive insights, and so I thought I shall not shake their faith.
But I think that this is also not very right for me, cos sometimes, I ought to let in some tenderness when I need it, cos after all, I am human too.

What happened the past 2 months had permanent effect and was a setback in my life.
I am still grappling with it and am learning as I go along. Learning to trust life, learning to have faith in the midst of darkness and most of all, learning to maintain a positive outlook, although the latter is the most trying of all.

It is funny how life delivers its packages to me in bite-sizes.

The other day, I had an overwhelming wave of anxiety. All the thoughts about having to work and fend for myself, and to provide till I am old and grey, engulfed me.

I told myself not to frighten myself too much, cos many times, I may just be a tad too worrisome.

For now, I juggle with what I have in hand and shall trust that all will work out fine.

Soul Be It

http://soulbeit.blogspot.com/

Another phase of my life

Intoxication

I am under the influence of alcohol. It will be amusing to see what entry I have here.

Ok, first of all, I am a lousy drinker. I am only on Alize. Cognac only.

So, I'm getting a high on cognac and classical music bursting in my ears via the ear phones.

It is November and my BD has passed.

I didn't go any where out of the country although I still could if I really want to. I have tickets to Gentings Highland. But I shall not utilize it because it is more important to be at home now that my bloody maid is gone. Saddam damn bitch. Fucking hell. Let's not talk about it. I almost want to see her in hell but I thought I am better than that. I let it pass.

So anyway. Here am I. All full 36 years old. Too old to live too young to die. No lar. This is just the alcohol working. Ha ha. So anyway, Finally I am going for formal painting lessons although it scares the hell of me. Not the painting, painting comes naturally. It is the socializing. I HATE socializing with new people. I dont know them, they dont know me. Who cares about what happends to me or them. But for the sake of my baby, I must push my boundary. Come on. It wont kill me to step out. What can be worse? Just people thinking you're a moroon.

Ok, so anyway. I love painting and I am so bloody glad I persued it.

So, my BD came and went. I played Cashflow 101 with PW till 4 in the morning. what a way to spend my BD. come on come on, get out of the rat race! to have money is not enough! you need to have passive income. Passive! means that even if you're sleeping, you're still getting paid!. It is really easier said than done.

Kiki is a superb baby. I love her to pieces. I am so damn glad that the episodes with the maid happened. I now am able to handle my baby! Oh Great!.

So anyway... there's nothing new happening. Just that I wanna paint.

Good night.

2nd September 2009

I dont know what's happening. I am somewhat bored or somewhat listless. or somewhat in a vacume. I am not very sure what im doing. Every day, I wake up at six in the morning and once in a blue moon i dont feel like getting up but most of the days i have no problem getting up. work starts at 830 but i reach office at 730 and make myself a cup of coffee and whatever breakfast that i may be having which is usually 2 slices of bread with my favourite butter, salted butter. Then I'll run through my work emails and probably start with work. Half the time wanting to do something else like surfing the net but will have no clue what to surf and end up deleting junk mails from my mailbox. Then when the clock strikes 830, I'll officially be busy with real work till 6 in the evening and then I'll lament that I didn't check the TOTO results etc and I'll take the mini-bus home but it doesnt stop there, it passes by my home but it stops at Bedok MRT and I'll spend another 45 mins trying to get home where it is so close yet so far away. 730 home, Kiki will either be awake or falling asleep so it depends on her wakefullness before I know if I'll be bathing or playing with her. She doesn't giggle or gurgle with me as much as she does with Bren or some other people. Maybe my voice is not high pitched enough or have she not seen enough of my face. Sometimes at work, I forget that I have a baby. In fact, I don't know what's the matter with me I don't feel motherly. yet, is it yet or is it I never will? I don't have that whinny dependency or attachment to her. Is there something wrong with me? I dont know what to do with her and I got lazy and did not do much with her. Should I be singing, reading, laughing with her? I dont know, it seems that all she does is to drink milk, cry, cranky and sleep. I need activities, I need more. I need to do more. More of what? I don't know. Get out, get out. Just go anywhere with her. Can't wait for the ghost month to be over, can't wait for fasting month to be over. Then I shall bring both Kiki and the maid out. To visit anyone, visit relatives, to go get some nice food maybe. The maid has been good and bad. Got to forget the bad things and look at the good. The good thing is that she is good with Kiki and I guess that is the most important thing. So forget the part about her hubby calling her more often than I call my mom. I dont think it is right to find fault or be unhappy with the person caring for your baby. Afterall, they care for your baby. All the more I must learn to like her. Be loving. Be embracing. And be giving.
I am excited that I am having a weeks off in November, the week of my birthday but I have no idea what to do with the free time. Should I book a chalet, who will come. Should I take a holiday, where to go. I told Brendan that I will just take the KTM train to anywhere it will stop in Malaysia and just get lodging for the night and move from town to town. He says that is not much of a plan. I think I will just take a holiday by myself. I would like to do that. Good.